Should do, or Want to?
During a coaching session today, there was a phrase I used that particularly resonated with my client which was the concept of “intrinsic” versus “extrinsic” motivation, in relation to setting and achieving goals.
In psychology, self-determination theory suggests that if someone perceives that motivation for achieving something is coming from outside of themselves (i.e. extrinsic, feeling imposed by others) then it is difficult to personally adopt that motivation and thereby achieve any change. By working out “what’s in it for me” (i.e. switching it from extrinsic to intrinsic) the possibility of change, and therefore achievement, is increased.
After today’s session it started me thinking about one of my own goals that has been niggling at me.
Rob and I moved to Spain from New Zealand in October 2019 and I was driven by a deep desire to learn Spanish. Why? Because I wanted to. Because I’d learnt to speak Italian when I lived in Italy years ago and loved learning another language. Because I am a firm believer in being able to speak the language of the country you live in. Because research says that learning another language can help stave off certain mental health problems in later life. Because I knew I “should”. Because, because, because.
These all seem perfectly valid reasons, so what is it that’s stopping me?
When we arrived, we enrolled in an intensive beginner’s course and for 6 weeks at the back end of 2019 Rob and I mastered some of the basics. And we really did enjoy it. We went to class in the mornings, and in the evenings we were watching Spanish tv programmes with Spanish subtitles and going to bed with our brains tired from a day of learning. We went to restaurants, café’s and bars and enjoyed listening to the Spanish around us and soaking it all up. We could see improvements in our abilities, and that was hugely motivating.
At the beginning of 2020 we discussed continuing classes but decided what we really wanted was to consolidate what we’d already learnt, continue doing the things we’d been doing and then in a few months maybe enrol again for the next level.
Everyone knows what happened a few months later so we found ourselves unable to go out and about to practise our fledgeling language skills. That really shouldn’t have stopped us, however since then I have found it increasingly hard to motivate myself to continue learning. Fast forward to present day and things have opened up a bit so we are able to go out, and we are certainly better at conversing than we were when we got here (admittedly not a particularly high bar) but way off where I had “wanted” and envisioned myself to be at this time.
There are loads of things I could (and arguably “should”) have done during lockdown and beyond to carry on with my learning, some of which I have been half-heartedly doing. But I lack the drive and determination I had before. Something is missing and it now feels like more of a chore, more of a “should” or “must” rather than “want” or “love to”. (I know for me personally, the moment someone uses the word “should” in relation to achieving something it puts my hackles up and a friend and I used to joke that the word “should” be banned from everyone’s vocabulary!)
And that’s where the discussion with my client today got me thinking about this goal and my own motivation to achieve it. I decided what I needed was a reframe – to reframe the outcome to be truly intrinsic. Quite simply a goal of being conversational by the end of two years is not enough to motivate me. I need to be able to visualise it, to feel it, to make it really come alive. For me to achieve my goal I need to get in touch with the “I would love to”.
So here goes:
o I would love to have a conversation with my neighbour where I can communicate eloquently using more than the present tense and giant hand gestures.
o I would love to be able to understand all the words the guy who owns the coffee shop says to me.
o I would love to be able to initiate a morning conversation, on the way to the bins, with the elderly gentleman who lives up the road.
o I would love to feel confident answering my mobile when a Spanish number comes up.
Merely having written this along with my new intrinsic motivators has given me more drive to succeed. Obviously, there’s now the nitty gritty of planning in just how this will happen etc etc but I feel confident that when I write later in the year it will be to report back successfully.
And on that note, I’ll leave you with two thoughts:
o How does all this resonate with you?
o What goals are you sitting on that need reframing to a more intrinsic level of motivation?